I always remember my mom telling me that I would never know how much she truly loved me until I had children of my own one day. She was so right. I always knew her love for me was enduring, forever and unconditional but I didn't know that when she looked at me it was as if she was looking at her heart living on the outside of her body. That's how I feel about Hatcher...like my heart now lives on the outside and that if I loved him even an ounce more I could explode. It's indescribable. I hope I show him that love every single day.
The past few weeks have been challenging as he is teething, has had a chronic ear infection and hasn't been sleeping well. We are all exhausted and irritable. He is also becoming very independent and that little dare devil isn't scared of anything. He is climbing, opening baby proofed cabinets and has recently learned to open doors. Even the door to the dryer which is heavy and it's his new favorite place to hide and play. I have begun to feel like a referee between him and the dog. I am the constant sayer of the word "no" and the rule enforcer. I am always telling him he can't do something that I swear I told him just 10 minutes prior not to do. It's not a good feeling. I feel like I am discipling him more than I'm loving on him. I know discipline is part of showing him love and teaching him right from wrong but some days it can leave you feeling defeated and like you're stripping him of all his little boy fun. It's all part of it but this first time momma is figuring it all out.
Yesterday, I had to take him to the ENT to have his ears checked out. There were several tests in which he had to be held down for and he didn't like it not one bit. There was screaming and tears. There was also a lot of waiting in a not so kid friendly environment. It was challenging and I was fortunate that my mother-in-law was able to go with me to help entertain my rowdy little man for the two hours we were there. Because I had to hold him down and keep him from moving, I instantly became his enemy and not the person he wanted to hold him and console him. That's also part of being a momma. I knew the things I was doing to him were the best thing for him. There were necessary in order to make him feel better and to get him healthy. But, as they get older and they understand what you're doing to them it's hard in that moment. It can break your heart because what they don't understand is that it's all for their benefit even if in that moment it feels like torture.
Today, he and I have been able to have some good quality time together. He had another rough night and gave me an early wake-up call. He got sick at breakfast and scared me to death. So, at nap time I did something I never do during the day. I let him lay in bed with me and we took a nap together so I could keep a close eye on him. But, the little {big} moment happened while we were rocking. He was facing me with his little chubby legs wrapped around my waist. He was stalling as usual but this time I didn't care. He took his sweet baby hands and put them on my cheeks and through his pacie gave me a big ole kiss. Tears weld up in my eyes and I let out a little chuckle. Then he started laughing and repeated this precious sentiment at least ten more times all to my great delight. It was as if God looked down on me and said little momma...you're doing just fine and that sweet boy of yours loves you to pieces even when the moments seem difficult. He knows you are his first love, the kisser of his boo boo's, his biggest cheerleader, and the one who will stay up all night and stare at him when he's sick to make sure he's ok. He knows that even when he's getting in trouble it's because you love him and don't want to see him get hurt. I so needed that moment just between my boy and I. A moment when no one else was around and he was showing me his love. Those little moments are BIG ones to me. They're the ones I'm trapping down deep in my heart and will never forget. They're the ones that one day when he's all grown up and doing his own thing that I can look back on and cherish forever.
I live for those moments. Just he and I. This gift is the greatest and I pray that all you other momma's out there get those moments with your children too. The ones that make your heart swell with joy and that remind you of God's great and constant love for His children.
